Emotional Intelligence

From the Wikipedia: Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.

Obviously the entire sentence is from Wikipedia, but I am mainly concerned with the first bit, control of one's own emotions.

I somewhat doubt how in control you can be of your emotions. I think that feelings are wild things. But how you choose to process and express these is the true mark of how advanced you are in this arena.

I fail, regularly. Often aided by C₂H₅OH. None of these are my proudest moments, but they do serve to remind me that I need to find a better way to process what I am feeling. That I need to not only work to develop my emotional intelligence, but my emotional vocabulary.

I struggle to find a way to address things that are bothering me, in relationships in particular, without having my thoughts sound like an accusation. I suppose that maybe I am making the wrong choices up front if the things that bother me are also things that could be taken as an attack. It’s never so simple as “I wish you would take out the garbage more often.” or other minutiae.

But, let’s get to the point, shall we? This is obviously a self-serving venue, where I can air, to no one in particular, save those bots that crawl my posts every time a new one goes up, the trials and tribulations of my not-so-young-these-days adult life.

I’m raw, angst-y, and pissed. I both love and hate these times because I fluctuate wildly between shining moments of clarity and ridiculously clouded moments of pain.

I didn’t trust this from the outset, but I took a leap, and landed somewhere shitty. Though, I can only begin to imagine how much more painful this would have been had I acquiesced to the original “plan” that the two lives become twined immediately via the signing of a lease on a shared space. 2 short months was all it took to explode what neither of us worked very hard to build, but… at the very least we were sharing a space and had the preliminary conversations about sharing a life. Quite obviously, this has not worked out.

There is plenty of blame to pass around, I suppose – though I feel that there is less on my shoulders than his. Sadly, as previously mentioned, I am not a master or myself, nor my emotions, especially when I start to feel disrespected and/or wronged. I tried very hard to not let “just hanging out with friends” get to me, but at the end of the month/week/day my frustration over what I felt like should have actually been a real conversation along the lines of “So, I’ve made this new friend, and I’m finding that I really enjoy the time that I spend with her. I’m not sure what that means for us, but maybe we should talk about it.” instead turned into nights that I spent alone, not knowing what was going on, and the times that we did spend together, often spent in silence. I held my tongue because… why? Because I didn’t want it to be true, partly, and also because I didn’t want questions to come out like accusations. I don’t know how to broach that subject/raise that line of conversation without it becoming combative, but, on some level, I think that the only reason that it would become combative would be if it were true. So I guess I held my peace because I was scared of the truth.

I do that a lot.

The reason given was that “We are just too different.” but, well, I’m allowed to call bullshit… there is no one to stop me, and no one to call me on mine in this area. I know that we were different; I was interested in that, in new experiences, new points of view, and new stories. But, possibly the differences were just too great to overcome.

Maybe not everyone gets off on the fuzzy feeling of going to bed at the same time and listening to someone walk around the house turning off lights, or waking up just a little bit before the alarm clock goes off and having the person next to you roll over and drape their arm across your form. Don’t get me wrong, the big moments, those are great too, but the simple stuff is what sticks in my heart every time.

“I can change! I can change!” – Maybe at a certain point we can’t. I couldn’t be the girl that was okay with so many nights alone. I couldn’t be the girl that was okay with knowing that “the girl from work” who I saw coming a million miles way was commanding so much time and attention, taking away from a freshly-formed relationship where we should have been building a history of shared experiences, and sharing our past so that we each had a better sense of where the other was coming from. I don’t think I can ever be that person. I deserve someone who will share their life with me. Who will care for me in the same measure that I care for them. Talk is cheap, as they say. It’s not enough to just say that you love someone, you have to demonstrate that.

So, I mourn this, and I wake up angry – but that will stop eventually. I work to master myself throughout the day, because the quiet moments, where everything seems to stop and I can just feel my heart beating, are especially rough. I’m not sure that this muscle is breaking, but it’s bruised.

Blown

I don't like being upset, and even more than that, I don't like fighting. That being said, I think that I prefer fighting over a slow and toxic misery that I refuse to give voice to. So I fought, I guess.

Why?

This past Thursday evening, after a Monday spent on my own even though I work from home on Tuesdays specifically so that I can spend time with someone I care about on Monday evenings, and a Wednesday where that same person didn't even come home, I arranged to meet for a drink after work. I'd selected a location that was not terribly convenient for me, but certainly attainable for the other party, but after making my way up to the neighborhood where we were to meet, was delivered a text informing me that it was too cold to walk to my selected spot, and that this person was at a different spot that, if one were to review a map, could easily be proven to be mere moments closer. I did, at this point, send a less than constructive message of just "Fuck you" which, I realize is not helpful in any way. I made my way to this other location and arrived to find him sitting at the bar with a friend. I reacted badly, for a whole host of reasons, but first and foremost was that I feel like going to this other space was blatantly disrespectful of the plans that has already been established, and to me it seemed obvious that the choice was, at least in part, predicated on the presence of this other individual.

I dislike feeling duped, I dislike feeling taken advantage of. In this moment I felt both of those things. I've felt that way all week. I reacted badly. I know this. But I am happy that I at least reacted. Too often I just go with the flow, and get rolled over on.

I didn't express myself properly, but I'm not sure that even if I had, that it would have mattered. It's not enough to say that you love someone all the time, it's important to actually demonstrate that. I'm more than happy to care for someone, but I expect that care to be returned in kind. I thought that this was a relationship where, yes, while there may be some rough edges, that could happen. Now, I am not so sure. We've not spoken since that night, beyond a very brief text message exchange. I'm not sure when he is coming home, or if it is really "home" that he is coming to anymore. I wish that it was. I very much hope that we can sit down and have an intelligent conversation addressing the past few days. I feel like if there ever was love between us that it should be possible, and that there is recovery from this, but I don't know. The lack of feedback leaves me to my own assumptions, and I've always been one to anticipate the worst.

Cutting ties

Cutting ties is just as painful and messy as one would think. It's been a while since I have done anything like this. I'm staying socially offline, and am adding words here only to get them out of my head.

I'm being damaged, am allowing myself to be damage, by negative personalities. The only way that I know to correct this, to quell the rage that has built up from the constant exposure, is to terminate the relationships. I can't help someone else - I can barely help myself. I can't be the one person in the world upon whom everything hinges, and it is pissing me off more and more when I am told, repeatedly, that I am. That isn't fair, and is too much pressure for one person to bear.

I can be a source of joy, but only for those that have a spark of joy in them already. I can be joyful, but only when I am not being pressed on what feels like all sides to create hope and light for those that refuse to examine themselves and why these things are absent.

I let my anger take me this past week. It's not pretty, it's in fact a huge mess, but I am trying very hard to stop beating myself up about it. One weekend curled up in the dark is enough, life goes on.

You see, the thing is, for as much as I hear the complaint "I'm alone" like it's a singular thing, the reality is that I am just as alone as anyone else who feels that way. Lots of people feel this way. It's not unique. And many of us, we stuff it down with one thing or another.... cover it up with wishes, mask it with lies, drown it. Pretend.

She's lost control again

It's been a shit week, and I've been a bit of a shit myself.

I've been feeling like there is a fault deep inside of me, fractures that are begging to be patched up before they become irreparable. But in truth, it's all just the panic of a moment that I am getting swept up by.

And so, I make poor choices, I put things out into the world that can't ever ever be taken back, and I forget. I have to own the not knowing, and just hope that any imagining that I may do is so much less terrible that the reality.

I need space. I need to surround myself and engage with those who want the best for me. I need to make sure that my interactions are not with emotional vampires because that is a behavior I reflect back on those that I care for, and... I don't want that. I don't want to be that asshole. I don't want to cause hurt or trouble in any way. However, in moving towards a better me, these things may happen. I can't make everyone happy all the time and at the end of the day what I really need to do is make sure that I am taking care of myself.

Good reminders

How can you make anyone do anything? You can’t. You can control only you, and even then you’ll fuck up sometimes.

People love you until they don’t, so it’s a good idea not to absolutely need that, but it’s one of the best parts about being a human so it’s not to be missed. Love those you love freely and deeply, and keep your feet because you just might need them.

Oh really?

Surprisingly, the turn of phrase "Fuck the taste out of my mouth." is not universally well-received when explaining why you slept with someone in the first place... the full sentence being "Because I just needed someone to, I don't know... fuck the taste out of my mouth." which MEANT, I did it because I wanted to replace, or at least layer, one memory over another. The words should in no way be taken literally.

I feel like one day everyone will say this.

Anyway, I've broken that off before I got too caught up, as I am wont to do.

I'm working on being in better control of myself, of my words and actions. It's pretty tough, and I admit that I will still probably post TMI-flavored items here, but... hey, I figure if anyone actually comes here, they were asking for it. It's quite different than sending an email, a text, or posting some insane facebook item.

Words should not be weapons. That's what I told someone recently. But, of course, sometimes they are. I am trying to move away from that. I don't want to hurt people with what I say anymore.

lol

Or: Why Online Dating Makes Me Lose Faith In Humanity

So, I have an online dating profile. It's certainly a work in progress, and what I have chosen to say about myself is both a whole lot, and a whole lot of nothing. This is besides the point.

I call out, very specifically, that I get fussed when "lol" is used like punctuation. This apparently is not a deterrent. I pretty ruthlessly delete any offending messages, but it's fair to say that an alarming number of people are unable to wring out more than two sentences before they are lol-ing all over the place. And in very regular exchanges as well. It's disappointing.

I mentioned this to a friend recently and he thought that I was being somewhat silly. His opinion was that in this arena online people are "flirting" and "nervous." He is more than entitled to his point of view but I refuse to accept this as, ONLINE, you have the time think through your words before committing them, and actually have the potential to come off as somewhat more intelligent and collected than you may be in real life. This is not a first date situation where you could easily find yourself giggling like a ninny at nothing in particular just so that you appear to be engaged and enjoying your time.

I think, my main issue with the "lol" and to a lesser extent the "hahaha" is that it makes the sender seem like a raving maniac.

Sample messages:
"Hey! What did you do today? I just got off work, gonna do it all again tomorrow. HAHAHA"
"Your profile is cool. We should get together sometime and play Cards Against Humanity. LOL"

In neither of the two example above was the hahaha/lol even a little bit normal. Also - these are terrible messages to send, as there is no real jumping off point for an actual conversation. These types of messages get deleted.

Other messages that get deleted:

• Anything that has a semi-naked photo for the profile
• Any profile that details how "You better not hurt me because I've been burned in the past."
• Any profile that is just more moan-y and groan-y than interesting - though I suppose that this is excellent insight into that person's personality overall and the AVOID is probably the best course of action.
• People in poly-amorous relationships. I am not a sister-wife recruit.

To be clear - I am not opposed to the use of "hahaha" or "lol" if it is warranted. But, when I receive an "lol" or a "hahaha" from someone (on the internet or in text messages) I want it to be earned, and valuable. I've won a few of these over the years and even handed out a few of my own. But it's pretty rare. So, if you are texting or chatting with me, and you get one, rest assured, I am truly laughing out loud. Congratulations!