Once, in a bar, some guy told me that I would never be beautiful, just “cute.” I still kind of hate that guy.
I should update my blog… This thought has struck me on several occasion but it a long time coming. I don’t know that there are any graphics that properly express my life over the past 1.5 years, though, I am only accounting for the time that everything changed, and not for the time since my last (un-read) update.
It’s been a strange stretch, to be certain. I was so sure that I knew what my path my heart and life were taking, I forgot that there are always, most certainly, alternatives. I approach a few different parts of life with this singe-mindedness. It’s a flaw, to be sure.
Recently I have been reminded that I have a heart to give, and it has been somewhat painful. It shouldn’t specifically be so, but… there are moments when I am absolutely stricken, overwhelmed, by this simple fact.
Affectionately referred to as “LA” for far long than deserved, and out of stubbornness, I have a great, great friend that is moving away in 3 short weeks, possibly less. This is someone that I did not particularly regard as much of a friend before… maybe... the more I think about it the more I feel like we were really quite close for far longer than I ever noticed.) but who I am struggling to imagine a Seattle, or, to be honest, my life, without now. I am sure that I will cruise through with dead eyes, as I do with everything else, but, in the middle of the night, I wake with the fear that I will never find someone who is as engaging, always pushing, always important, to be a part of my life again. When finally told about the final decision (though I knew, I knew...) I had the misfortune of asking the embarrassing question of “Can I visit you!?” (Mortified) and will forever feel like a dumbass due to that moment in time alone, but…
I don’t know if you’ve ever met me… I am slow to warm up to people. When I accept someone into my heart (on any level) I am quite fierce in my devotion, and it takes quite a bit for any individual to drop onto my “must-not” list. Maybe this is insane? I don’t really know…
I am really going to miss this friend. He has been patient with all of the things that are horrible about me. (I also know that everyone ELSE has been patient with horrible me things, so, if anyone IS reading, congrats to you as well…) However, he has been one of the main people, most recently, that I have turned to when things are terrible, and who I most love to spend time with when things are average/great. He has re-informed me about what a good conversation is really like, has re-taught me that spectacular memories can be found in the most ordinary of moments, and has, mainly, reminded me that having an open heart is a good place to be.
I am struggling today, though, truth be told, and am struggling, maybe always, as well. In a few short weeks things will be… better(?) but it doesn’t make today, this instance in time, less tragic. It’s the massive amounts of eyeliner that have leaked into my bloodstream during years past that make me so melodramatic, I’m sure of it…
I ruthlessly curate all the moments in my life. I have an easy time forgetting the nightmares (except for that one where I was sucked into a toaster that was Hell.) and only remembering the good times. This sometimes makes me romanticize the most mundane of moments, but… this is who I am. Some have even been the most uncomfortable minutes of my existence, but, still they shine bright in my mind.
Good memories: Seeing the Wall of death for the first time, Coffee shops after too many drinks at Shorty’s with a friend, Taking long walks and sitting at the water’s edge with a thermos or a few beers to stave off the cold while watching the city lights, Pulling tables and chairs near to a fountain in an empty outdoor shopping mall after hours, Taking long drives into the wilderness for no particular reason in the middle of the night, Even drinking the swill that they claim is coffee at The Hurricane until 4 in the morning... all the while just talking, telling stories, asking questions, explaining. I feel okay about holding these memories, and more, close to my heart… but at the same time, these can be a distraction because I am not sure that this is the path that life takes anymore. Spoiled, perhaps.
