Cutting ties

Cutting ties is just as painful and messy as one would think. It's been a while since I have done anything like this. I'm staying socially offline, and am adding words here only to get them out of my head.

I'm being damaged, am allowing myself to be damage, by negative personalities. The only way that I know to correct this, to quell the rage that has built up from the constant exposure, is to terminate the relationships. I can't help someone else - I can barely help myself. I can't be the one person in the world upon whom everything hinges, and it is pissing me off more and more when I am told, repeatedly, that I am. That isn't fair, and is too much pressure for one person to bear.

I can be a source of joy, but only for those that have a spark of joy in them already. I can be joyful, but only when I am not being pressed on what feels like all sides to create hope and light for those that refuse to examine themselves and why these things are absent.

I let my anger take me this past week. It's not pretty, it's in fact a huge mess, but I am trying very hard to stop beating myself up about it. One weekend curled up in the dark is enough, life goes on.

You see, the thing is, for as much as I hear the complaint "I'm alone" like it's a singular thing, the reality is that I am just as alone as anyone else who feels that way. Lots of people feel this way. It's not unique. And many of us, we stuff it down with one thing or another.... cover it up with wishes, mask it with lies, drown it. Pretend.

She's lost control again

It's been a shit week, and I've been a bit of a shit myself.

I've been feeling like there is a fault deep inside of me, fractures that are begging to be patched up before they become irreparable. But in truth, it's all just the panic of a moment that I am getting swept up by.

And so, I make poor choices, I put things out into the world that can't ever ever be taken back, and I forget. I have to own the not knowing, and just hope that any imagining that I may do is so much less terrible that the reality.

I need space. I need to surround myself and engage with those who want the best for me. I need to make sure that my interactions are not with emotional vampires because that is a behavior I reflect back on those that I care for, and... I don't want that. I don't want to be that asshole. I don't want to cause hurt or trouble in any way. However, in moving towards a better me, these things may happen. I can't make everyone happy all the time and at the end of the day what I really need to do is make sure that I am taking care of myself.

Good reminders

How can you make anyone do anything? You can’t. You can control only you, and even then you’ll fuck up sometimes.

People love you until they don’t, so it’s a good idea not to absolutely need that, but it’s one of the best parts about being a human so it’s not to be missed. Love those you love freely and deeply, and keep your feet because you just might need them.

Oh really?

Surprisingly, the turn of phrase "Fuck the taste out of my mouth." is not universally well-received when explaining why you slept with someone in the first place... the full sentence being "Because I just needed someone to, I don't know... fuck the taste out of my mouth." which MEANT, I did it because I wanted to replace, or at least layer, one memory over another. The words should in no way be taken literally.

I feel like one day everyone will say this.

Anyway, I've broken that off before I got too caught up, as I am wont to do.

I'm working on being in better control of myself, of my words and actions. It's pretty tough, and I admit that I will still probably post TMI-flavored items here, but... hey, I figure if anyone actually comes here, they were asking for it. It's quite different than sending an email, a text, or posting some insane facebook item.

Words should not be weapons. That's what I told someone recently. But, of course, sometimes they are. I am trying to move away from that. I don't want to hurt people with what I say anymore.