Cutting ties

Cutting ties is just as painful and messy as one would think. It's been a while since I have done anything like this. I'm staying socially offline, and am adding words here only to get them out of my head.

I'm being damaged, am allowing myself to be damage, by negative personalities. The only way that I know to correct this, to quell the rage that has built up from the constant exposure, is to terminate the relationships. I can't help someone else - I can barely help myself. I can't be the one person in the world upon whom everything hinges, and it is pissing me off more and more when I am told, repeatedly, that I am. That isn't fair, and is too much pressure for one person to bear.

I can be a source of joy, but only for those that have a spark of joy in them already. I can be joyful, but only when I am not being pressed on what feels like all sides to create hope and light for those that refuse to examine themselves and why these things are absent.

I let my anger take me this past week. It's not pretty, it's in fact a huge mess, but I am trying very hard to stop beating myself up about it. One weekend curled up in the dark is enough, life goes on.

You see, the thing is, for as much as I hear the complaint "I'm alone" like it's a singular thing, the reality is that I am just as alone as anyone else who feels that way. Lots of people feel this way. It's not unique. And many of us, we stuff it down with one thing or another.... cover it up with wishes, mask it with lies, drown it. Pretend.