Sometimes I forget to breathe

It's true, sometimes I forget to breathe. This may not be 100% accurate though. It may be more fair to say that sometimes, when I am nervous or upset, I hold my breath. This leads to me getting very dizzy, at which point I begin to panic, which doesn't make breathing one bit easier.

The same could be said of myself emotionally. I often forget that the best plan is to calm down and step back - really assess the situation. Intellectually I am usually pretty clear on what is going on, but the stupid heart/feelings tend to gum up the works and I sometimes simply begin to flail.

It's not a good head-space to be in, in either situation - and oddly, the cure for each is very much the same. Long walks let my mind rest a little bit. Focusing on one foot in front of the other, or letting myself be distracted by things seen.

I was watching Apocalypto over the weekend and the journey that the main character takes made me wonder - What does it mean to be a man? There is a quite a lot of information out there about this - about the idea of being a man - but after reading through quite a lot of it, I am not sure that the gender roles really apply and the insight I gained is better applied to "What does it mean to be a person?" - and by this, I mean, a person of quality - not just a lump on the surface of the planet. I'm not going to gender edit the items that I cherry-pick for my list, but at the same time, these apply across the board...

Lessons Learned:

1. A man is defined by his accomplishments and his purpose.
2. A man holds himself accountable.
3. A man does not fear failure.
4. A man believes in beauty.
5. A man is composed.
6. A man takes responsibility for his deeds.

And then, possibly the best piece of the whole lot...

A man feels like a man whenever he faces the right way, staring straight into his fears. He feels even more like a man when he advances in the direction of his fears, as if sailing on the winds of an inner scream.

No one ever moved forward, successfully, while looking backward. I look backward all the time, and often ascribe this to self-reflection, but in my more lucid moments, it's easy to see that this is most often just wallowing. I let past pains sully my view of the future, and too often let fear guide my choices. I struggle to find the balance between "all-in" and just being a spectator. I turn moments over in my mind until the interior is rubbed raw.

I find it hard to let go of the idea of people who have made a significant impression on me over the years. It takes a very long time for these personalities to fade into just memories.

We aren’t meant to be this tethered to all the people in our past. But I don't know how to tell who I should let go of and who I should hang on to.