It's like a garden

The best advice that I have given in recent memory is that a relationship (and, this applies to all relationships - familial, romantic, and friendly) is like a garden. While it may apply to a somewhat lesser extent to friendships and familial relations, all relationships need constant tending.

The way that I manage my friendships is very much like a controlled burn. I pour gasoline on that shit and toss a match. This is maybe not the very best way to be, but it does weed out those who cannot "deal," as it were. Sometimes this also devolves into an "untended campfire" scenario, but...

I'm actually quite tender-hearted and caring, but it is sometimes hard to know this about me given the way that I regularly conduct myself. The kind side of me seems to only come out in terribly quiet and private moments. I wish that I could be more even more of the time. Perhaps that isn't something that is readily apparent to those around me though, both that I wish to be more even, or that I am, in fact, quite gentle.

I suppose that the turmoil that churns inside of me almost daily doesn't help things one bit. I feel very much at loose ends. All details are unresolved. And I very much have a hard time just putting a cap on things and walking away. Or, if I try, it becomes explosive at the very worst of times.

I've been trying to be more gracious. It's a habit I am working to cultivate. This has been difficult.

This is another habit that I need to break. The "aside." I too often let my new thought distract me from the current one.

But I digress.

Relationships, gardens. I will focus on romantic entanglements despite my earlier announcement that this is applies to all relationships, as, the advice I was giving was strictly related to this, and was focused on my own fuck-ups.

Hard to write. Easier to confess when the words are just going out into the air, and not being set down for robots to peruse. I'm not sure why I am so fussed that robots will judge me... Much more likely that I will just judge myself when I come back to this much later. I dare anyone to be a more severe critic than I am of myself, always. Well, maybe I don't "dare" anyone to be, as I am sure that there are things that I overlook/ignore, or, know and refuse to acknowledge.

My last "real" relationship, was, as it turns out, a hot mess. And that may be putting it too kindly. I let everything slide as far as maintaining a real connection. Part of this was my desire to allow for "space" (which I very much still believe in), but at the same time, I got very complacent, and, in a way, became uncaring as far as daily interactions went. Yes, there was regularly the kiss goodbye in the morning, with an "I love you" thrown in for good measure. But as far as cultivating and maintaining meaningful interaction, I very much failed. I have to live with this, and, I'm sure that I could easily detail the many ways in which I fucked up, but, suffice to say that in the end, while I could wax poetic about the space taken up in my heart by this other life/personality, maybe it was all bullshit. Maybe I had checked out way before I thought I had. I certainly wasn't putting in much effort, beyond the efforts of madness borne of desperation about what was being taken away from me. The security of knowing there was someone to come home to, even when it clearly wasn't working anymore. There were details beyond this... some real horror-show moments, that I will not go into great lengths about, and I know that these also took their toll, but... it was a rough break, and at the same time, I let myself get tied into knots about, again, something that was clearly failing.

And... let's tie it all back to horticulture.

One does not merely plant a garden and let it grow wild.

"Weed the bed weekly, or whenever young weeds manage to breach the mulch layer. Prompt weed removal prevents the plants from establishing in the garden, where they rob moisture and nutrients from your garden plants while also providing a haven for pests and disease."

"Just as weeds are a detriment so are pests such as insects. Bugs, slugs, and beetles can all wreck havoc on a garden. When you spot them, make sure you take the proper steps to evict them! If a pesticide you purchase at the store doesn’t work, you will probably want to call in a professional."

Take from that what you will but my interpretation is that:

1. Deal with shit when it comes up or it will eventually destroy what you have.
2. Don't be scared to call in a professional. Sometimes it takes a dis-interested 3rd party to really root out what is going on, and put you onto the right path.

Of course, this is coming from a girl with years of therapy under her belt. (though, none in recent memory, and I would very likely benefit from taking up the reigns again.) A lot of people see the discussion of their thoughts/feelings with a hired gun as some sort of weakness. And yes, I engage in a fair amount of navel-gazing that would possibly be put to better use by actually moving forward, but...

This is just how I see things. I give great/terrible advice but very very rarely apply my own insights to my particular brand of madness. I know many things, and most often behave as though I am a babe in the woods. My cross, I bear it.